Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Pit Etiquette 101 With Eazy

In response to the How To Look Like A Pro blog, I felt that I should keep the dream alive and shed a little more light on how you nervous novices can at least look like the A shit until you take to the track and people realize that you just recently learned that the lever on the left side of your handlebars is indeed NOT another brake. These tips will help to create the illusion that you might know what you're doing out there, which we all know is not the case. Like, at all.

1. When riding through the pits, form matters. It may sound silly, but go to the line riding the bike slouched over with your elbows down and you have instantly written yourself off as a joey in the eyes of your competition and those fine-ass mamacitas watching by the gate. Ever seen a factory rider do that? Nope, because they are always carrying their mechanics along with them, which makes slouched riding a dangerous impracticality. Essentially, you need to pretend that you have some guy riding the bike with you. But unless you are racing a goddamn National, don't actually have someone riding with you to the gate. Your dad or your buddy can walk, motherfucker. That would just make everyone involved look like an asshole.

1b. Don't Hang Those Goggles. Another point to be made in pit riding: If you have the goggles hanging by the straps as you ride to the gate, you're saying "Eh, I don't really have the sense to realize that if I just hang my goggles by the frame, they wouldn't get sandwiched between my forks and radiator like a semi getting jackknifed every time I turn the bars." It just sends the signal that you're an idiot. Often, that signal is a useful first impression because you probably are an idiot. But if you want to prevent people from realizing that right away, a simple flip of the goggs can do the trick.

2. A tie down never has been and never will be a substitute for a stand. This one is a biggie. Doing this might as well raise a large bullhorn and announce to everyone that it is dangerous to ride within a 15 foot radius because your inexperience on the track could lead to a catastrophe of 9/11 proportions at any given moment. Buy a stand. Milk crates are acceptable only if you live in an impoverished nation like Ethiopia or something. You can get a stand for $20 on eBay. Don't be a dick.

3. Showing up with a dirty bike is a no-no. It's definitely awful to see someone unload a bike at a race that is still dirty. There is no greater signal of pure douche apathy than some BRO that runs a dirty bike at the races. If you don't have a powerwasher, then why the fuck do you ride dirtbikes? Your goal is to look factory, like people pay you to run their shit. The dirt from the train tracks behind McDonald's is not helping your cause.

4. Run your bitch. Listen, if you are bringing your woman to the racetrack, you had better let her know who runs the show. You show her where she is to watch, who she is allowed to talk to, and what she may eat should you grant her permission (don't need any fatties running around, am I right?). She is there at your service; not for her own pleasure, not to get my autograph. She's there to clean goggles, boots, and helmets. If she has proven herself, maybe she can even apply tear-offs, but that's for the experienced pro-hoe; first timers would definitely get some Windex in between those motherfuckers, and then you'd have to raise a backhand. I do not condone domestic abuse, but what are you supposed to do if you show up to the line with fucking blurry Windex lenses?

5. Pit boards? Seriously? Basically, if you are at any race other than a National, pit boards are useless. I kind of think it's the case even at the pro level, but there may be a sliver of functionality at those races. I do see local experts using them on occasion, but it still looks pretty pathetic, like the "mechanic" needs to feel some form of purpose or something sad like that. But Joey Jr. in the 250 D class doesn't need to know what his lap times are or how far ahead the leader is. He probably can't even read it because his eyes are so determinedly fixed on each grain of dirt directly in front of his tire. Pit boards are of no use to him, or any other rider at a local five lapper. Using them only makes you and your rider look kind of gay, like you can't go ten minutes without communicating with each other. Whatever, queer.


  1. Eazy's woman disagrees.