Monday, February 14, 2011

It's Game Time, Energy Drinks. What's The Play?

 From Yahoo - CHICAGO – Energy drinks are under-studied, overused and can be dangerous for children and teens, warns a report by doctors who say kids shouldn't use the popular products.
The potential harms, caused mostly by too much caffeine or similar ingredients, include heart palpitations, seizures, strokes and even sudden death, the authors write in the medical journal Pediatrics. They reviewed data from the government and interest groups, scientific literature, case reports and articles in popular and trade media.
Dakota Sailor, 18, a high school senior in Carl Junction, Mo., says risks linked with energy drinks aren't just hype.
Sailor had a seizure and was hospitalized for five days last year after drinking two large energy drinks — a brand he'd never tried before. He said his doctor thinks caffeine or caffeine-like ingredients may have been to blame. Full Article Here.

Let's think about this, Monster/Rockstar/Red Bull. I may not enjoy your products but the amount of cash you dump into MX is keeping it afloat so I'm on board. We have approached a fork in the road here, and it's time to get all Robert Frost-y and really contemplate what to do in this situation. Option 1 is pretty obvious; deny till you die. "Energy drinks don't cause seizures, terrorism does." Finesse, BROs, it's the name of the game. Just ease this onto another hot button, and bangarang, you're clear. Lies might be essential, but limiting the number of lies is equally essential. Keep it simple. That terrorism sentence only has one (well, maybe two). But after that you can go all Al-Qaeda and people will completely forget. The general public has the attention span of a fly on coke, remember?:)

Now, Option 2 is definitely a new one, sort of outside the box, if you will - Embrace. "Yeah, energy drinks might cause sudden death, so they should only be consumed by the most hardcore BAMFs in the biz, son." I mean, it really does fit in with your general marketing strategy, no? Like, that's the whole reason that you guys throw cash into MX, for the "one word: bad ass motherfucker" image. This could be a blessing. Free publicity to change your product's image once and for all. Maybe start doing Bladerunner-style contests, but just to see who can drink the most without actually dying. Gone are the days of alcohol poisoning, make way for the future. I say throw more caffeine in there, call it Red Bull EXTREME or Monster DEATHROW or something nice like that. Pussies drink soda, fucking Men sip energy drinks with their nails and gasoline for breakfast.


  1. I thought everyone drank there Monsters with nails ?? Am I the only one?!

  2. that was a pretty solid article. Maybe some non-bro invented energy drinks to wipeout the bropulation and their annoyance?

  3. Amen! Praise and glory and wisdom and thanks and honor and power and strength be to our Energy Drinks for ever and ever. Amen!

    Good on you Eazy!