Wednesday, October 13, 2010

BROto Salute to the Moto Hoes



We've all seen them: A moto tank-top, dyed hair, and a layer of dirt that no amount of makeup will successfully hide. Yes, I am of course talking about the Moto Hoe. They go by many names - Track Slut, Dirt Dumpster, Pro Hoe, 30 Second Girl - but for the sake of progressing the argument, let's just stick with Moto Hoe. They provide a much needed service for all of us at the race track. You see, motocross is a very time consuming sport. To participate often means sacrificing entire weekends to the pursuit of the supposedly fun sport. As the younger crowd of rippers moves on into their teen years and beyond, it is going to be pretty damn difficult for them to learn the ways of the birds and the bees while spending every weekend at a race track. But, alas, there is a savior, and she is working her way all around the pits every night. The moto hoes emerge about the age when some kids are starting to be recognized as "fast riders", most experts assume around 13 or 14. But they are abound in just about every age group, from the 85 riders all the way up to the 30+ class. The moto hoe is often related in some way to another rider, maybe a sister, cousin, or even daughter, which is how she becomes introduced to the delicate ecosystem of the motocross track in the first place. Upon further attending races, the moto hoe begins to understand the power structure of the world of motocross, which is pretty simple: fast guys run the show. In an attempt to integrate herself into this circle of power, the moto hoe is able to come to the realization that she is in possession of something that every racer wants. And with the general lack of tang at the track, the moto hoe is in a prime position: just throw on a little rouge and go to town with the dirty stuff. Now she has exactly what she desires: power and prestige. Now she is free to roam from camper to camper and will always be in the know of the goings-on at the track. Perfect.

Here is a quick tip in pursuing a moto hoe: Don't. She desires prestige, and nothing says prestige like some dude that doesn't give a shit about her. You see, the moto hoe probably has some deep-seeded father figure issues, which makes her crave the desire of a male authority figure, which at the track is the dude leading the 250 A class (Wow, I should write a fucking book).

Another quick tip: Do not attend a pro national and think that you are getting some if you are not planning on beating Dungey the next day. The moto hoe is always going for the fast guys, and that is a status relative to the race. At a national, you better be a badass mother fucker on the track to score any action the night before. Here though, is an opportunity if you plan on partying with the moto hoes the night before the race: Lie. Of course, this requires that you move beyond familiar territory and to some moto hoes that you have not encountered before. But, with new faces comes a fresh start. For all they know, you are the next big factory rider, fresh out of the amateurs, that is why they have not heard of you. Or better yet, you are a GP rider in the US on a one race deal with Pro Circuit. This gives you the opportunity to speak with a Euro accent the whole night, which will absolutely buy you some points when it comes to close the deal. Follow these tips, and you'll be shooting the hole by night and getting the holeshot by day.

So that's enough for this BROto Salute. Thank you moto hoes, and all the services you provide!

5 comments:

  1. this ones definitely my favorite so far

    ReplyDelete
  2. Don't forget the Rut Sluts, Ramp Tramps and Bro Hos

    ReplyDelete
  3. If you haven't been offered a job from RacerX or Transworld...I don't know what the fuck they are thinking...this shit is genius!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Girls just want to have fun! And can I point out....nobody complains of having a nice two stroke before a rough race ;)

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is ignorance at its finest because I know girls who ride who are worse track rats than the bitches who don't. Chelsea Kearney for example, Jessica McCain, Ariel something, some weird h who got D. Eps name tatted on her yet is bangin Martin now. Sad shit man.


    Just a rider who's seen the hoes.

    ReplyDelete