Monday, December 13, 2010

BROto Salute to Energy Drinks!

That picture made me almost laugh. You know, like one of those times where you absorb the image, over the course of a second or so, and get a little laugh in your head, but you have time to realize that it wasn't that funny, so you hold it. Anyhoo, it should come as no surprise that the sport of motocross has become pretty much subsidized by energy drinks. Rockstar Nationals, Monster Supercross, Red Bull GP, it's an epidemic. People have been asking me what's up with that. Like, why do these energy drinks put millions of dollars into sports where the athletes empty cans of Monster and fill them with water? Seriously, how many of you actually drink that garbage? I drink maybe five energy drinks a year, and that may even be pushing it.

It's kind of funny that every trainer in the biz pretty much agrees that having a Red Bull is right up there with whacking off in a Batman costume with a noose around your neck in terms of health benefit. You would think that with all the money those companies collectively have, they would commission a doctor or two to say "Hey, at least you're not a filthy cigarette smoker, right?" And then they could simply divert the convo to another rant about how cigarettes caused both the financial crisis and Hurricane Katrina, and murder puppies. If I was running Monster, I'd be hopping on this "green" initiative that people have such a boner for. Their product and logo are green, so get on board that bandwagon. Make an ad that says "We're the greenest beverage in America", then have a picture of the CEO rescuing a sea otter or something adorable like that. People will automatically assume that you meant that you help the environment, not that the drink is literally green from all the fungus or whatever it is in Monster. Ok, that's just a great idea. You are all witnesses, if Monster comes out with that shit, I had better be seeing some green paper come my way.

Of course with all the unhealthiness and cancer that energy drinks deliver, let's not forget all the good that they bring to moto. Before, walking through the pits at a national was not really anything too special. Sure, you got to see all your favorite pros and had the chance to get their autograph, but where's the thrill? Then came the Monster and Rockstar girls, and so did everyone when they saw those girls (*wink). I'll bet the pros are more thankful than anyone, though. Because let's be real, how many commoners have pulled one of those chicks' numbers at a race? That has to be a frighteningly low figure. Those honeys want the guys that everyone wants, it all fits in to the Moto Hoe Theory by yours truly. Every girl has a ferocious lust for power, and the energy drink bunnies are no exception.

But let's bring it all back to the beginning, which is why, oh why, do these major companies spill so much cash into this sport. It is in fact all sports that are considered to be action sports that energy drinks are interested in. They are not really focused on directly marketing the product, minions, rather constructing an identity for their brand that is in line with action sports: gnarly, unbound, EXTREME! Yes, they want to be seen as the bad-asses of the 7-11 beverage selection, and apparently the best way to do that is to get your name on anything and everything that has to do with two wheels, a board, or both. People have to be tough to handle MX, right? That's why afterward they are going to need a Red Bull so they don't OD on the abnormally high level of testosterone their huge balls produce. I don't know how that logic works, but we're not here to ask questions. We're here to get radical. Let's take a look at the champs last year: Dungey and Canard. I'm pretty sure there isn't anything badass about either of those guys. You have Dungey, a kid who seems like he would sooner cut out his own tongue than badmouth another person, and Canard, a delightful and charismatic young man who is probably the sweetest ginger since the Gingerbread Man. Yet they are the kings of bad-ass land. Kind of weird, huh? I'll leave you to ponder on that.

Of course, through all of this, I sound totally negative in my reckoning of the energy drink presence in motocross. But honestly, I fucking love it. They dump money into the sport, and whether it's for the right reason or not, we forget one universal truth: No one who rides gives a shit. It just means that riders can make more money and so can those in the industry (like BROtocross. Oh wait, I don't make anything. Shit). Let it be known, energy drinks, if you want to pay BROtocross to sling your product to the loyal subjects, I will get a PhD and be the nutritionist who claims that energy drinks have a direct affect on health and athletic performance, and grant you the ability to play the guitar. Already have the ability to play the guitar? Then get fucked. All I know is that without the N-O-G companies, we might seriously be up shit's creek. So a salute to you, Monster/Red Bull/Rockstar, and your misconception that motocross is strictly for Vin Diesel and Steven Seagal.

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