Wednesday, January 26, 2011

A BROtocrosser's Guide: How to Look Like A Bro. I Mean, Pro

It so often happens that I see a rider show up at a practice track, and I instantly can tell exactly what his skill level is before he even starts the bike. I honestly think I should be a part of the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI, Criminal Minds style. Well, at least if they have a special division that handles crimes related to motocross, I'll be running that office. But this is beyond the point. I'm just trying to help all you Joes out there who cannot seem to grasp the simple concept of proper motocross fashion and etiquette off the track. BROtocross cares. With these simple steps, you'll have children asking for your autograph and ladies asking for your number. At least until you actually hit the track and do those sweet ass air wheelies.

1. Push your goddamn visor up. Holy Christ, I can't even explain how often this step is fucked up at every track in America. Why would you ever put your visor down so far? Even down at all. For the most part, your visor should be just about all the way up, though some helmets look fucking ridiculous with how high the visor goes. You'll just have to show some of your own actual judgment there. The point is that it's pretty obvious where your visor should be, just look at the pros. And don't be a retard.

2. Brand Consistency. Wearing a Thor helmet with Fox gear looks stupid. It instantly sends the signal that there is no way that you're sponsored, and you're not smart enough to make people think otherwise. It should always be your goal to fool others into thinking that at least someone out there thinks you are the shit, remember that. The only helmets that can be worn without the same brand of gear are Shoei, Arai, and Bell. Fox is an exception with Shift gear, but technically they are the same company. And don't even talk to me about mixing brands with the jersey and pants. Kill yourself.

3. Don't go cheap. Sticking with the helmet theme here. Don't buy the $60 deal on the bottom shelf at the dealership. I'm not even going to discuss the safety implications, my argument is that a $60 helmet always looks about as good as a $60 mail-order bride (that's cheap for a wife, right?). There is NO exception. In fact, you'll be seriously hard-pressed to find a decent looking lid for under $200. Don't be an idiot, just find a deal on a Shoei or something. eBay can be a wonderful thing.

4. Line up your fucking numbers. Listen, if you are going to be too cheap to get pre-prints, you are saying a lot about yourself. However, the blow of that statement can be softened with some properly applied numbers. It's not hard at all, just take the time and get some symmetry going on that bitch. Putting a one number under the bolt on your front number plate is NEVER the way to go. Never. Ever.

5. Gloves go for miles. I honestly find it appalling that I have to go here, but trust me, I do. Wear gloves. And boots, for that matter. I swear on my life that I have seen people at tracks not wearing either, and it makes me want to throw up all over them. It's disgusting. Makes me think I can't find happiness in such a sick world.

That's it for now, if I think of more, or if you have some good ones, comment and maybe we'll do How To Look Like A Pro 2.br0.


  1. Make sure your goggle strap isn't cutting the circulation off in the back of your neck since your dad is too busy oggling those moto hoes to notice. Also, unless your Ryan Hughes, or someone of his caliber, keep your sleeves down, you look like you're trying out for the Metal Mulisha. Please be aware that bent levers and tweaked bars (extremely bent) are also a dead give away to your bro status. That's all I have for now. Deuces.

  2. And tuck in your fucking jersey. Especially if you are wearing a kidney belt. And if you are wearing a kidney belt, wear it where your kidneys are.

  3. I like to wear my pants and jersey from my house to the track. Does that make me a bad person?

  4. If you do put on your digits, 007, 69(except Ronny Mac), 3, 8, 88 etc. NO! Don't do it! If you did not earn a national # use a three digit # please.

  5. I used to get duck tape and run the black stripe on my front and rear fenders... It looked pretty sick

  6. Not that I disagree with you guys, but shouldn't focus be more on the sport itself rather than the caliber of your gear? I realize that it's an expensive sport. Maybe some good kid doesn't have the best family situation, unsupportive parents or deadbeat dad or drug addict mom or unemployed parents or whatever, and is working before and after school to earn enough just to afford the gear? Is it really worth it to go up to him and give him shit because his helmet and his shirt aren't the same brand?

  7. The only exception I see to that rule is if you still have some of those sick Alloy MX pants that have a better design life than many U.S. Interstate Bridges. (wonder why they went under) In that case just try and find something that matches as close as possible cause those pants are sick.