Monday, February 28, 2011

2011 450 Season - The Movie. Where's My Oscar?

Yes, I'm getting really bloggy on you all right now. Since the Oscars were last night, I was feeling extra cinephilic and decided to get a little wild. If this season was to be made into a movie right now, who would be cast to play the key roles?

James Stewart - Big Willy Style

You know what? Fuck it, I'm going with Will Smith. Originally, I told myself I couldn't do it. The rule is it has to be actors in their current state, and Will is a little old. I also wish I could have cast that old, OLD actor James Stewart and really freaked people the fuck out, but that would also require black face and then I'd really have the NAACP up my ass. Then I wanted Cuba Gooding Jr. But he's getting fat now. Also old, but he could pass. Just too chunky. I actually had that Robert Ri'chard kid getting the nod simply because he sufficiently meets the look requirements. He was pretty good in that "Coach Carter" flick with SLJ, so I think he could do it. He's got that awkward "12 year old" swagger that James has. But the magic of cinema is going to go to work and we are making Will fit this role.

Chad Reed - Eric Bana

I honestly didn't even give this one a second thought. Bana instantly came to me. He's already an Aussie, so accent training expenses go out the window. He may be a little old, but this guy was in a little movie called "Funny People". Ever heard of it? He's got acting chops up the yin-yang and he is not afraid to use them. Make-up does wonders, so we'll just young him down a bit and we're golden. Is that the Academy calling?

Ryan Villopoto - Rupert Grint

Congrats, VilloBROto. Your unstoppable gingerness has landed you Ron fucking Weasley to play your part. I mean, seriously, these two are a dead ringer for each other. Can Rupey pull off the American accent? That would be my biggest concern. And this feels weird to say, but I think he might even be a little too socially awkward to play Villopoto. Yes, to play Mr. "I'm going to look away as I shake your hand because your eyes penetrate me worse than Zed in Pulp Fiction" Ryan Villopoto. Grint is going to have to step up his swagger. He needs that "I'm a pro and I'm not taking my sunglasses off" aura to him. We can get coaches for that. Next.

Ryan Dungey - The Jonas Brothers

For Dungey, the requirement I gave myself in the selection process was no grit at all. Zero. The goodiest goodie that I could find. No conflict, no darkside. Luke Skywalker (not Mark Hamill, Luke Skywalker) would have been a shoe-in. Unfortunately, he doesn't exist, at least in the physical sense, as far as I know. So I landed on the Jonas Brothers. That's right, all of them. They will all stand attached at the hip throughout the whole film. We'll figure it out in post-production. That's what wearing a purity ring gets you, kids. A billion fans, an easy 8-9 figures in the bank, and a role as Dungey in my movie.

Mike Alessi - Efren Ramirez

Unimportant role. Just went with the first Mexican I could think of. Moving on.

Damon J. Smith - Damon J. Smith, bitch

Listen, if you can play Canadian football, host an intellectual frenzy of a radio show, write Don't Stop The Swagger, AND hit the triples on your "Godsome - When Awesome Isn't Enough"-backed KX250F, you can act in a fucking movie. The man has it for days. If he wasn't needed for this part I'd have him as Bubba, no question. And I know he rides a 250 but fuck it. I'm calling the shots here.

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