Wednesday, March 30, 2011

BROto Salute to Lappers

He is a timid creature, the lapper. Easily frightened, the lapper is not to be dealt with as a normal racer. Content in his natural line, the slightest misstep can be enough to shock the lapper's psyche into a seizure-like state, one that will almost definitely result in darting across the track into the lead rider's line with a timing so perfect it would rival a finely-tuned race engine. Thus, the lapper must be handled with extreme caution and care. He is a gentle creature, and certainly much more afraid of you than you are of him. But make no mistake, he has the ability to destroy all of your hopes and dreams with one turn of the bars and a twist of his whisky fucking throttle.

So often, we express a genuine hatred for the lappers, when in fact they are almost never malicious in nature. They are merely a misunderstood creature. 90% of casualties involving lappers are the result of lapper mistreatment, an ever-occurring quagmire that has reached international levels in line with famine and genocide. All too often, lapper mistreatment ends in a yard sale of bikes and riders, in which no one benefits but the guy in second, who's laughing his ass off. Don't take out lappers; they just want to live their lives. Are they really so different from us? Together, we can stop lapper poaching once and for all. Lapper abuse has plagued our sport for long enough; it's time to treat these gentle, yet powerful creatures with the respect and dignity they deserve. Scientists believe that in makeup and anatomy, a lapper is nearly identical to a human. Unfortunately, they have not reached the rung on the evolutionary ladder to fully self-function in the delicate track ecosystem. Until the lapper evolves to have eyes in the back of his head, he is doomed to live a life in fear of the unknown, and in a world of inherent prejudice.

He does not choose to be born into a life of ridicule and obsolescence. He strives to get by in a world that is literally just trying to get by him. Can't we all relate that sometimes our world just seems to move a little too fast for us to keep up? At times, their numbers are great enough to even make them the majority. So here's to you, lappers. Make sure you hold your head high while you wave riders by only to realize that you just ruined the race for them and everyone watching.

1 comment:

  1. I wear a "lapper whistle." It shocks them into a "freeze mode" temporarily which allows me to slide by.