Wednesday, May 11, 2011

BROto Salute To Ralph Sheheen

Another Supercross season has come and gone, and thus we are forced to go another several months before hearing the sweet melodious sounds of big baby Ralph Sheheen. To say that Ralph is a great man is to do a disservice to his effervescent style of commentating; truly, he is a man of Herculean voice and stature and virility. In a capitalist world of marketing and advertising, Ralph is the voice of God. Without him, the masses would be forced to live in ignorance of the Rock Hard, Ride Hard award, the Nuclear Cowboyz, the Toyota everything, and the humorously sized Monster logos throughout the stadium, only squeezing their bits of enjoyment out of the actual race. How would we know what James Stewart said before, during, and after the main event without Ralph? We wouldn't, that's how. He will challenge the status quo with his brass pronunciation of the word "nuclear". "Fuck the rules," exclaims this BAMF of the press box, "it's pronounced nucular." We dare not question him, because goddamn if he didn't make it sound so harmoniously pleasing that I must question all that it is that I know about basic reading and articulation. Ralph will walk that line, as any hard-hitting man of the microphone should.

When the time comes to plug the sponsors, it is Ralph in his divine ability to spin a sentence in a certain direction who is at the helm; "Well, Dungey is looking like he's going to do that jump, you know who also does jumps? Bret Michaels when he plays rock and roll music. Speaking of Bret, Rock Hard Ride Hard award." Brilliance, sheer unadulterated brilliance. With the voice of an angel and the hair of a white tiger in GQ, Ralph Sheheen speaks to the people as Zeus did from Olympus, beckoning our humble praise and worship, like a fucking boss. Ralph comes from a line of men who have proved that knowing anything, and I mean ANYTHING, about motocross is purely inessential to analyzing and calling it to the world. Should he mess up a rider's name, that rider will have to consider changing it, because the will of Ralph says so. He's not in the top 5, so why should he have the privilege of having his name on the air? He will be given one, and goddamnit he will embrace it. So a salute to you, Ralph, because if everyone actually knew what they were talking about, we'd be bored as fuck.



  2. lookin to make some t-shirts that say"SHUT UP RALPH" ,,would be so fun to start wearing them at motorcycle events,,lol