Friday, December 3, 2010

BROto Salute to Quads

We all knew it was coming. It had to happen. And now, I bring you, the BROto Salute to Quads. I definitely subscribe to the belief that we all have a certain amount of hate brewing on the dark side of our soul. If it wasn’t for quads, who the hell knows where I would serve up the bulk of that hate cocktail? I would probably go all Metal Mulisha and become a Neo-Nazi supporter or something. It would get ugly, bet on that.

Ah, what it must have been like to be around when that first fucking guy decided to replace his steering wheel with a set of handlebars and call it an All-Terrain Vehicle. Now I don’t personally know anyone that races quads, so I have a couple questions to any of you that may come across this: Why do you put yourself through that kind of torture? What the hell are you thinking? You must have some honest-to-God real self-loathing issues, my friend. Like, let’s spend more money on something that is more dangerous, less fun, and probably on the same redneck level as NASCAR. I mean they were a featured event in the Great Outdoor games, last I checked. Not to mention they absolutely destroy every track they touch. Seriously, hate is a really strong word, one that I don’t personally like to use a lot outside the realm of BROtocross (as hard as that may be to believe). But as everyone who knows me has heard many, MANY times, I hate quads. They are just a permanent hazard. The things I have said to quad riders when passing them on the track would give a nun a coronary. Even little kid quads.

Listen, I’m sure that people who ride them are nice enough, but once they are out on that track, bulldozing any and all lines they can find like it’s a game of Asteroids, I start to wish that I had Chuck Norris on call to roundhouse those assholes. And what is up with that thumb throttle bullshit? Can you think of a dumber way to propel your vehicle? It is also 100% impossible to look good riding a quad. Absolutely zero style ability whatsoever. No matter what. I’ve seen the best the quad world has to offer and am still thoroughly unimpressed. Ever seen someone try to whip a quad? Imagine a kid with downs syndrome trying to do the Heisman pose and you’ve got a pretty solid idea of it. And through all of this, quad racers are still reading and saying “I don’t see what the problem is.” That’s why they do it in the first place, because they see thumb throttles, butt whips, and blue-grooved corners and get all tight in their trousers. Honestly there is so much more to say, but I don’t think that the quad riders out there can handle reading more than a couple of paragraphs at a time, so I’m going to put a pin in this one for now. So thank you, quad riders, for nothing. You suck. It ruins my day to see you. Cut that thing in half and get two retarded dirtbikes out of it, then go ahead and cut yourself, dickmitten.

Side note: Ok, I am going to correct myself here. The ONLY good thing to have come out of the world of quads is the ATV Offroad Fury franchise for PS2. That is it!


  1. Quads are for queers.That's what we say at the dealer as we do our best to charge as much as possible for the gayness of being a quad queer.

  2. I won't lie..I was once a couch rider...raced them four 10 years...finally got pissed off and got out of it for the fact I spent more time wrenching on the stupid things than riding them...went out and bought a new dirt bike....first time I rode it was out in this dudes pasture...the most fun I've ever had on any motor vehicle...then I looked back and thought about all the money I spent on quads...I could of had 2 brand new 450's for what I spent on my last quad....fucking depressing...all two wheels from here


    and the follow up

  4. at least quad guys' butts look the same in MX pants... yesss

  5. Dude, you are a giant douche, stuck up punk rolled up into a nice little dick-head burrito Can't you just be stoked that quad riders like yourself just like to ride? You are probably the guy who talks shit about the hottest chick at the bar just because you know you will never hit it so you have to hate on it. Guys like you make me laugh. I love motocross, and all things motocross but dudes like you are just sad man. Have a good day Broto-Hater. Normally I dig your blog but this time around you sank to a WAY LOW LEVEL. And before you say I'm defending them cause I ride one, you are right, but I started riding a quad after I broke my back racing mx, it gave me a way to still be able to ride and hang out with my buddies. Soon enough I'll be back on a dirtbike, so no need to bash me about riding a quad.

  6. at J-bone:
    do you not understand this is all for a laugh?
    chill. this is funny shit