Friday, May 20, 2011

Judgement Day Is Tomorrow, But Jesus Is An MX Guy, Right?

Apparently, Jesus decided that Judgement Day will occur on the same day as Hangtown. I think we can safely say that Jesus is a motocross fan. You don't just go randomly scheduling these things. The Rapture is a big fucking deal. Like there's paperwork that has to be filled out, permits granted, it's a whole thing. So if you are going to do it, you're going to do it on a day that has some sort of meaning, so people can look back on it and say "Whoa, that God character was one deep sumbitch." Here's how I see it - if Hangtown isn't fucking epic, the world is screwed five ways to the weekend. If those whacky Christian mofos are right, God/Jesus is one hell of a vengeful character. Essentially, he just wants what we all want: some good battles, exciting finishes, and maybe a boobie flash here or there, I don't know for sure, I'm not the pope (yet).

But, that's not to say that if Hangtown isn't a killer race that we are all fucked. Sure, the normal people will be, but let's not forget now that Jesus is a moto guy. Obviously, he's going to want some people up next to him at the big cloud table to talk racing with. That's where we come in. You see, Christians identify Judgement Day as the day when God decides who is worthy of Heaven and who isn't. Now, this is all going along a theory believed by the most annoying religious nuts this side of the Solar System. Jesus doesn't need all those people on his shit for eternity, that would just be awful. Constantly berating him with questions, trying to get autographs, those prude chicks always trying to get in his business, basically the worst way to spend your days. So the logic follows that Jesus would want some people who don't piss him off with their relentless adoration, and since he's a moto fan, we are in like Flint. So while the rest of you are burning and spending time getting sodomized by pineapples with Hitler and that crew, we'll be sipping endless champagne by the pool with Santa and playing 18 holes with Steve McQueen.

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