Thursday, April 21, 2011

4 Surefire Ways To Cheat At The Races

So the post yesterday about the Rekluse clutch got me in the mood to throw a little discussion into everyone's favorite way to win: Cheating. Obviously, there are too many ways to count, but these four methods have paid dividends for many, many riders in years past, and I believe present the least likely possibility of getting caught. Many of these methods come with distinct gray areas that the bureaucratic red tape of your local race organization will often let slip through the cracks.

Run a Cheater Bike
Of these four methods, I would definitely say this is the one with the highest long term risk. I mean, if you're going to run a 300 kit, that's going to have to make due for the rest of the season, unless you're one of those rich assholes who runs five bikes a year. That means that every race you go to, you are running the risk of being protested, and you know damn well that if your bike gets torn down, your ass is getting torn a new one by the powers that be. Of course, the risk of being protested is actually inversely proportional with age. That means that the older you get, the less risk you run of being protested. 85 riders get protested probably every single race, no joke at all. Vet riders never protest, but of course there is no displacement limit in those classes so that point seems rather trivial. Obviously, the risk of being protested also directly correlates to your results. If you are getting thirds and fourths, no one cares if you run a 1,000 V-twin, it's cool. So tread lightly with this method. Be aware of your results, and throw in a few fifths to throw off the scent.

Can You Say Bike Sabotage?
This one takes some fucking balls. You have to have the Tony Soprano mentality going in. Like, if you're going to sabotage someone's bike, know what you're getting yourself into. There's a chance that this guy's bike could cut out on the face of the biggest booter on the track and he dies. Could you imagine? The guy fucking dies. I hope you are ready for that. If you are, then it's on like Donkey Kong. I said that the cheater bike runs the highest long term risk, but bike sabotage is definitely a pressure cooker situation. The rule of thumb here is keep it simple, stupid. Some water in the gas tank. Boom. You're in, you're out. Nice and eazy. Of course, you can't do this on too many bikes. If the top five all of the sudden are going out in body bags, people are going to start asking questions, and if you're the guy that was running sixth, their going to start asking you those questions. Just remember: Deny till you die. Villopoto did it on 80s.

Start Cheating By Cheating On The Start
There are several ways to accomplish a cheater start. Probably the most effective requires striking up a friendship with the starter. It may take weeks, even months, because you need to have a wholehearted trust in him. If he says he's going to drop the gate on the count of three, you go at 2.8. But if that gate doesn't drop, you are epically fucked and he's got to go get a cast on the arm he broke when he fell over laughing so hard. Of course, you can also just jump the gate. Here, you are relying solely on yourself, but it's very easy for the eye in the sky to spot a gate jumper, so be weary of that. Another very effective method that I've seen work time and again is to line up so far on the inside that you are actually not even behind the gate. Seriously, it works. People see you and think nothing of it, just keep going about their business. They don't know what's going on in your head, so it's best for them to just keep on walking.

Cheater Lines, Cheater Lines, Cheater Lines
Without a doubt, this one is the most commonly committed and most overlooked. Spotting a cheater line on the track takes a trained eye, but once you've got it, you've fucking got it. Inside a haybale, jump over a marker, it's all good. It happens so quickly, no one knows the difference. It's all about minor progress every lap. Take a line that gains you three seconds, and you're black flagged quicker than Carmichael taking the track in a WMX moto. It works especially well at the start. That's the only time you can pass people with a cheater line and get away with it. I shit you not, at Unadilla last year, I was going inside the huge haybale at the start every goddamn time. Gained a solid ten positions doing it. Hey, when you're running a shitty 250F against 450s and two strokes, what the hell are you supposed to do? Anyhoo, the cheater line method may not always present the highest and easiest return, but it definitely is a quick and efficient way to gain seconds without raising too many eyebrows. And every pro rider does it, so doing it will get you that much closer to the factory rig, right? Just don't be an idiot and do it on national television...


  1. video wont play because it says private. That's bullshit. I'm gonna spin kick Nicco in the face. I mean the dude has two first names for god's sake. His parents should have given him a last name for his first name to even things out. Someone needs to make sure this kid and his parents are sterilized. They all clearly lack the requisite intelligence to procreate any further.

  2. Don't forget the ole banana in the tail pipe trick.

    One that's worked in the past is take off the illegal part and throw it in the murky parts cleaner next to the legal one and if they ask pull out the legal one. Wasn't me! It was a friend... No really!

  3. reallllly wish i could see this video, was this the pass on Jimmy?