Thursday, April 7, 2011
BROto Salute To Epstein Barr Awesome, I Mean, Virus
With the outdoors right around the corner, I felt compelled to give a BROto Salute to every racer's favorite chronic fatigue syndrome, EBV. If you're an ignant-ass fool, EBV is a disease that has "plagued" racers like Pastrana and most recently Chad Reed. So here it is, the BROto Salute To Epstein Barr Virus...
When life has got you down, when the results just aren't coming in, the answer is right in front of you. Maybe you were making out with a few used needles, maybe you decided to take a bath in the dumpster outside of a planned parenthood building. Either way, you might have just scored the golden ticket to a summer of sipping Mai Tais by the country club pool while the rest of those assholes grind away in the dirt. Join me in a gentlemens' laugh; HawHaw. Haw. Haw. Yes it has seemed that EBV has become a favorite amongst riders due to the strain the body takes during training for the outdoors. I must say that being diagnosed with it after having scored a championship would just be the delicious hot fudge on my sundae of awesome. Summer vaca, bitches. Book the tickets to Tahiti.
Now I'm no doctor, so I definitely am not one to give a medically-sanctioned diagnosis. But in my BROfessional opinion, the number one cause of the EBV is holding a number one plate and then not winning; realizing that you have indeed made plenty of money in the past year to take the rest of the summer off. But, wait, you still have to train, right? No way, chronic fatigue syndrome, BRO. Damn, I don't think I can handle getting up in the morning. Better get that woman to start serving meals in bed. And I think I heard that X-Box has been medically proven to increase the body's healing ability. Let's toss a couple of those in the room, too. Oh, it's 120 with a wind chill of 125 at the race? Shoot, wish I could be out there. Now excuse me while I take my daily dose of chocolate cake. Doctor's orders, you see. Any chance of a handicap sticker for the car, as well? The parking lot at Six Flags is huge.
And coming into next season, you'll actually feel like training. Isn't that hilarious? When everyone else has decided to take some R & R like little non-disease-having pussies, you'll be getting right back into it, no worse for the wear once A1 comes to town (but make sure you have a deal signed before you get sick, dummy). So a salute to you, Epstein Barr virus, and the unbelievably unique and perfect opportunity you present to all of the pros who would sometimes just rather have a cold beer.
Posted by Eazy at 3:15 PM