All Content Is Now At BROtocross.com

This is just a post to let everyone stuck in the stone ages know that I am no longer posting BRO content on the blogspot blog. If you haven't been following BROtocross.com then you have been missing out on, and I quote, "epic posts this week".

On BROtocross.com - AMA Considering Adding A Parent Class At Pro Nationals?

Seriously, why are you still on blogspot? Go to BROtocross.com

In a cruel world where an act of pure ecstasy can inadvertently result in the most permanent and repressing of circumstances, action needs to be taken. Young men taken in their prime - still hungry and filled to the brim with that carnal desire to excel as the proverbial alpha male - instead forced into a life of solitude, their eyes glazed over with but a mist of their former manhood. I am of course describing the all too familiar condemnation that is parenthood. It is a subject that has been mentioned before, but the thought hit me again watching Nico Izzi at High Point. Performing what has now become his M.O., the man (term used with extreme leeway) holeshot the moto, charged for about two laps, then faded out of the top five, which will henceforth be referred to as "I Don't Know Where". The kid still has the pace to be running in the top three, he qualifies in the top 5 regularly. Izzi used to be what the average man would describe as "the shit". Kid was money, and he knew it. Honestly, he is probably still just as fast, speaking in relation to his competition. What I am saying is that I do not think Izzi has lost his speed or his ability. So what was the X-factor that sent him from top three to I Don't Know Where? He birthed a child. He is a daddy now. The stork flew his way and dumped a big, steamy miracle of life in a flaming paper bag on his doorstep. Sure, Izzi is not on factory equipment anymore, so you could use that as an explanation. But he is still turning blazing fast times every weekend, so I am not buying it. Fact is that having a child means that you are spending time teaching junior how to insert the circle shape into the right slot (which coincidentally is where the whole cycle starts for the next generation) when you could be ripping bike rides or doing figure 8s until the bike runs out of gas. You gotta want it, BRO.

Of course, I am picking on Nico because he was the one who inspired this blog, but we cannot leave out other deserving candidates for the parent class; I am talking to you, Josh. Grant was a certified slayer last year right up until about halfway through the Nationals. What happened, BRO? Oh snap, that was when your chick started smuggling hams out of the grocery store under her shirt, which is a crude euphemism for "she started rocking that baby bump." Why is it these guys who slowed down after they were infected with baby and not guys like Rattray, Reed, Carmichael, etc? Because guys like Grant and Izzi are still young; they are fueled by their energy (not as stupidly obvious as it sounds) and raw desire. That is why Reed can minivan his way to the $1 million championship party while Grant and Izzi are stuck with their 8th place $30 non-transferable Starbucks gift cards at Daddy and Me activities classes. I know it's tough boys, but if you want the skill, get her the pill.

Coming Back To Life With A Quad Guy Trying To Murder A Street Bike Guy With His Truck

Yes, it of course has been a weird couple of days for BROtocross, as I am in the middle of kicking the blogger habit and going at it like a big boy media mogul. It is going well, considering that yesterday I was having a legitimately diagnosable panic attack. Hopefully, you are reading this on the new site, but until I am sure that no one is still being forwarded to blogspot, I am going to post on both of the sites. So enjoy blogspot while it still lasts, because its days are numbered. And if you still actually go to BROtocross.blogspot.com, stop being an asshole, 'k BRO? Alright, let's get into this.



I actually watched this whole video, which everyone knows is nearly impossible with internet videos over two minutes that do not involve one or more of these three things: a motocross race, a naked woman, or a laughing baby. Okay, hopefully not the last two at the same time. This video - it was wicked lame. The initial credits are way over selling it, and basically it is over after the truck tries to run the dude off the road about 1:15 in. Guy drives like a psycho for a while then they argue and call the cops on each other, but that is about it. But you know why I blogged this? Yeah, there's a quad in the back of that sumbitch. Textbook quad behavior, of course. Only a real asshole would pull some shit like that. And only a real asshole would ride a quad, no? Ipso facto, textbook quad behavior. And taking place on a road in rural Kentucky, you can bet the thousand farms they pass in this video that this guy is late for a clan meeting. And is that a crowbar in his hand as he first gets out of the truck? Is it 1970?

Moto's Golf Ambassador Drops A Hole In One At Washington DC Event, Proceeds To Not Give A Fuck Like A Boss

As some of you know, my bike is cooked and I am indefinitely out of commission. So, I have been playing a lot of golf in my off-time. Not that it really has any significance to this blog, I am just offering it up and you can take it how you want it.

I love what this Fowler kid brings to the table. I already blogged a little somethin-somethin about him being a rider-turned-golfer, but here he is popping up in the news again. He does not give a fuck what golf used to be, he is only seeing what golf is going to be; rocking his tee shirt and backward BRO cap, scaring old people at country clubs all around. My grandparents are those types and while we all love them to death, I know for a fact that they would be throwing up everywhere seeing this kid dropping aces in their backyard. And his reaction to this shot is so perfect - completely cool with a countenance that subtly states "I knew that ball was in before I hit it." Damn fine shooting, Rickie. Damn fine. You can represent the MX world to the masses anytime, BRO.

P.S. Announcer was the icing on the cake in this video. I will be grabbing a sound byte of that, no doubt. "That looks like money." Totally, BRO.

Did You Know They Raced Motocross In Kenya?

Nothing especially special about this, just some motocross in Kenya. When are they going to field a des Nations team? These guys are tearing Africa a new one, by the looks of it. I feel like such an ignorant American watching videos like this. In my mind, motocross does not exist outside of north North America (i.e. everything but Mexico) and Europe. My immediate reaction was "Whoa, they can afford bikes in Kenya?" Some of them are even on 2011s. What the hell is going on here? I figured I would be seeing some Blood Diamond shit happening in the background, helicopters shooting missiles over head, you know, that whole chestnut. I know that all that civil war business is in Sierra Leone, but Africa is like the size of the Mall of America but not as well lit(not a racist joke, I'm just typing, words came out). Nope, just a regular race. Nice bikes, nice weather, and solid reporting by name-I-cannot-pronounce guy.

Mike Alessi Is A Victim Of Premature Startulation

Yes! Another Alessi post. I really feel like it has been a while. I feel like BROtocross has been a touch out of the comfort zone, but now we are right back into it; the bread and butter of BRO. Mike Alessi jumped the gate at High Point. If you recall, he's been accused of pulling stunts like this since the amateur days. The question is do we really believe he is intentionally cheating? For what it's worth, I am going to go ahead and say no. First of all, every racer knows that jumping the gate is a pretty major gamble; essentially, you have to time it as perfectly as getting a legitimately perfect start, so by that logic there is nothing to gain from the cheat. Second of all, this is just textbook Alessi for me. The type of guy to get all loose cannon with the clutch on the start is the type of guy who would pull out in the first lap of practice guns a blazing as if that was the only time he would know the sweet taste of being the first rider across the line. Oh, tough hit, BRO. How much do you want to bet that this is something that affects him throughout his daily life. If I actually believed that he had sex with his girlfriend, I would make a joke about his incompetence in doing so here. But I don't. That 45 seconds of ecstasy is definitely not worth those depleted testosterone levels, right BRO?

I think everyone also needs to cool it with the "Navy Seal" talk about Alessi. The resemblance is kind of cancelled out when your composure on the motorcycle is like that of a frightened field mouse. Now you are just insulting America with the nickname, and I don't take kindly to those types. Watching Mike ride is a whole new type of painful. I do not give a fuck if he is built, he looks like he weighs about 140 soaking wet when he's on the bike. His elbows look like they are being propped up by a couple of those elbow casts that doctors decided to make to fuck with arm-injury victims; you know, the type that when they show it to you, you honestly consider just dealing with a broken fucking arm for a few months just to avoid. BROken arm style for days, Mike.

I Think Stewart Just Won The Outdoors

I do not usually enjoy blogging on the weekend, but sometimes you see something and you say to yourself "I'm not going to not post this." So there you have it. Anyway, James posted this pic to Twitter last night and once again I find myself drawn into his fan circle. I feel like one of those little dogs at the vet being pulled by the leash into the examination room. I don't want to be there, but I find myself moving that direction against my own supposed free will. Stewart is a rugged maniac on a bike, and we all need reminders like this every so often. I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, when James is not out there winning, there is this distinct aura of instability in the universe. I do not like Stewart; he is a weird dude and the way his craziness-to-fame ratio parallels Lady Gaga's is downright scary. But I like good style. If someone is throwing down scrubs like this, it's not that I want to like them, I have to. It's a curse. I am the victim here, people.

Kickstart The Weekend With Some Extreme Quad Rollerskating

As you can probably tell it was a slow week for me as far as BROtocross goes. Today, I absolutely couldn't think of anything to talk about. Sure, Pourcel is officially out for High Point, but as usual I was way ahead of the ball and called that about three days before tomorrow. I decided to Zuckerberg it and throw a line into the social networks and see what came up. It wound up that no one gave me anything solid, though I hear it's the thought that counts so you guys are just the best. But I gave myself my own idea when I mentioned starting "BROllerblading" because motocross is too boring. Yes, rollerblading. The quads of the skate world. In my intimate state of boredom I hit the YouTube in search of something in the form of BROllerblading. Though the title of this video was exceptionally deceiving, I definitely think it fits the mold. Fuck rollerskates, fuck rollerblades, fuck quads, and fuck terrorism. By the way, we are officially consolidating quads into the "Fruitbooter" category. Congrats, fruitbooters.

P.S. In my search, I decided to try to find a video that actually combined quads and rollerblades for the ultimate annex of gay, and I came up with this. Not a good video, but you have to listen to the rollerblade kid talking. Until the cam turned to him, I was absolutely sure it was Ken Roczen. I mean, I'm totally down with Ken-doll, but it 100% sounds like him. Pumpkin quad too, right?

Attention Aspiring Filmmakers - "Smack That" Is Not A Good Song

I decided that it's time for me to once again lend a piece of my brilliance to the dejected third world that is the amateur MX video business. This will be the second installment in the series, the first being the Don't Go Slow, BRO blog. Now before we move on, some people might be asking what makes me so qualified to run the video show around these parts? Well, I definitely consider myself to be the voice of a generation, and that generation has been built on video; think MTV for motocross and without all the retarded pregnant chicks. Do I have some bias as to my status as a media critic in MX? It's definitely possible. In fact, if I'm speaking indifferently, I would definitely say that I might be a little biased based on my objective view of this whole matter. Wrap your heads around that for a minute before you move on.

Have you stopped hyperventilating yet? Good. Ok, so search "motocross" on YouTube and what do you get? Shit.  Undisputed shit. I've addressed the slow motion, now we are going to move on to music. There's way too much to talk about in one blog on the music factor, so I'll keep this part pretty short and save the rest for installment numero tres. Music is a pretty key attribute to your video, it controls the whole tone and effect to the viewer. Deciding on the right music is integral to the success of your video. So let's start with this one rule of thumb: Don't pick a "top 40" song. They suck, and I mean like, hard. Just because a song is good to get your fuck on at the club does not mean it's going to work in a moto video. Shorty's fire is most certainly not burning on the dance floor when you are at a race track, BRO. For the most part, the farther up the charts a song is, the lower on your list of potentials it should be. Show some goddamn creativity; it's video production, lack of creative ability does not particularly suit such an activity. And if you really think that "Roll Up" by Wiz is the sound you want for your video, thanks for ruining a solid 3-4 minutes for everyone that you conned into watching your video, you sick son of a bitch. I actually hope you get arrested for copyright infringement, I really do.

BROtocross Officially Runs MX Apparel Trends

I spotted this on Transworld Business, and I'm currently searching high and low for the part where they credit me on that. In all seriousness, I called this. I said it before that Fox and the other core MX brands need to cool it with the clutterrific designs and just go with the deceptively simple approach. "Sublimated prints in unexpected places"? Get out of my head, Transworld. I've been pushing that bandwagon since they put wheels on it. And the collab gear? Um, hi, who has been pushing the collab designs like they are going out of style? Wait, that simile didn't really work to benefit my argument. Fuck it, I'm on a roll here. Yeah, I am the guy who got on the Skullcandy train when they made the Answer collab gear (which is sick by the way, have I mentioned that?) and same with the A-Stars/Y&R collab (wasn't MX gear, but wait a few months and then you can praise BROstradamus). What I am getting at here is that BROtocross sets the trends in motocross, and don't expect that to change. #mogulstatus

Are Airbags The Next Thing For Freestyle?

Sketchy. As. Fuck.

Is Pourcel Back With BRO Circuit?

If you've been keeping an eye on the motonet, you may have come across this rumor that Pourcel has quit the MotoConcepts team for a GP ride with CLS Kawasaki, which is Pro Circuit's effort in Europe. The word is spreading, and now MXLarge.com is reporting that the deal is a wrap and Mitch has CP back from the foreign lands that were equipped with FMF exhausts. So now I am going to talk about it. It's never really been especially important to me that a rumor be confirmed before I blog it, the timing just happened to work out for me here. Am I especially surprised by this almost-news? Does the Pope not shit in the woods and not molest collies? See what I did there, something of a double negative. So no, I am not surprised. Everyone says the Yamahas suck at the pro level. Nothing against the MCY BROs, they are just playing a losing hand, not their fault. Tough hit, for sure. Their first big timer and he's gone in two races. It's got to be a real kick in the nuts when you lose a rider because of the equipment that the factory provides your team. Like, they were probably so psyched when Yamaha stepped up the support for them, and then their jubilation melted into the forced facade of excitement; not unlike unwrapping a large present on Christmas only to find a significantly smaller box inside. You know what, Dad? Fuck you! Of course if this all turns out to be false, then everyone can just relax and do the happy dance, all right?

Mike Metzger Gets Ruined In Bratislava

So Metzger went down like a motherfucker at a show in Europe. Guy was riding in a t-shirt and jeans because his shit didn't arrive. No surprise there. It was in Bratislava. Is it even possible to get to that city without traveling by mule? As is the case with most Americans, my sole impression of the capital of Slovakia comes from the movie Eurotrip, so all I'm wondering is how they could possibly afford to have an FMX show there. Were those ramps crafted by sadness bonded by tears? Metzger must have been riding for three nickels, a sandwich, and a shoelace. Probably living large on that exchange rate, though.

P.S. Call it kicking a man when he's down, but Metzger's no visor thing was never cool. Ever. It didn't help you with backflips, BRO. It just didn't.

How Do We Feel About Travis's Proposal?

So as you can see, Pastrana proposed to his woman, Lyn-z Adams Hawkins, at Nitro Circus in Las Vegas. This of course puts to bed most of the gay rumors that have been floating around Travis for quite a while. They've pretty much been silenced in the past few years since he hit super stardom, but I remember back in like '02 or '03 hearing people say that or reading about it and wanting to murder someone. That was back when Pastrana was a fucking god to me, and I would literally have followed him into battle, Braveheart-style. But, I had no serious defense in my argument for him. Not that I normally would; I don't usually get to see MX riders fucking their girlfriends. But Travis was so happy-go-lucky that you couldn't help but wonder. Not that it would matter now, I would still think he's the man. But back then I was around 14 or 15, so the gay-stigma was right in line with leprosy; straight untouchable.

As far as the proposal goes, Travis once again using that trademark meticulous thought-process of his. If you have the opportunity, always propose to your woman in front of a huge crowd; the bigger, the better. Because no one wants to see a "no" happen, for the most part, and she knows that. Obviously she isn't going to say no, there's 50,000 people there that will boo the fuck out of her if she did. Good man, TP. He always has been a solid thinker.

Opening Up The Week With A Euro Streetbike Fail

Somebody sent me this video the other day, then I saw it on another blog, so I think it's BRO worthy. You know, on an off-weekend, everyone is just kind of vibing the calm, getting ready for High Point. There's not a lot to discuss MX-wise, so we all could use a little laugh at the rice rocket jockeys. I love videos like this; quick build-up, explosive punch-line, European chick rambling off jibberish to close it out. Wrap all of that up in nine seconds and you have a winning formula. What the hell would this have looked like if it was successful? It would have been pretty gay, no way around it. The dude is lucky it came out like this.

Why Did Nobody Tell Me About This Ami Houde Chick?

Someone sent this video over, explaining that this chick is some sort of Canadian WMA pro (is that what it's called there?). Apparently she's doing some web series bullshit, I don't know. I really had no interest at all in this video. I was clicking links on the side of the page, which were also apparently made by this girl. They were pretty gay, for the most part, but let's get down to brass tax here. The only reason I'm blogging this is because this girl is a certified dime. Like, 10s across the board. She absolutely crushes every other girl I've ever seen on a dirt bike (looks wise, not speed. Come on, she's Canadian). No dirty looking makeup or inappropriately sized Fox tank top. From what I can tell, this is not a moto hoe. This is a moto "take home to dinner and secretly get high fives from your dad". There's another video titled "SoCalBROLife" that you should take it upon yourself to view for about 30 seconds. I'm not posting it because most of the video is painfully shitty. But for the first part, girl is rocking a bikini. Well done, Canada. I definitely thought Dean Wilson was the only good thing to come from Canadian motocross, but I am humbled by this chick. Ami with an "i", shoot me a tweet sometime.

UPDATE: Since BROtocross cares on near UNICEF levels, I decided to grab a screen shot of the only part of the SoCal BRO Life video that anyone cares about. God bless you, Ami. And yes, I absolutely consider this to be A class blog content.

Is This Video Going To Save 2-Stroke Motocross?

It's over, good game everyone, but we have a winner. 2-strokes are officially back and this guy is driving the bandwagon. What Pulp Fiction did for John Travolta, this video is doing for 2-stroke MX. The title alone sends this video to the top of the list. But then you have the editing, the music, and the riding. Oh, the riding. One footed stalls on giant logs, one footers over the money booter, and absolutely no visor to speak of because it could block your line of sight should you decide that you are enough of a rugged maniac to do a backflip. Suffice it to say, my foundation is shook. I mean, I know goon riding and I know serious riding, and there is nothing goon about this. Dominant male #winning.

Former Factory Rider Arrested Burglarizing Homes While "Searching For His Lost Dog"

PLATTEKILL — Two brothers are in jail after they used a lost dog story as a cover for a string of residential burglaries in the town, authorities said.

Town of Plattekill police  arrested Aaron Mills, 20, and Ryan Mills, 24, both of Plattekill, on Thursday. Aaron Mills was charged with five counts of burglary, a felony; Ryan Mills was charged with two counts.

Police said the two, working together, knocked on doors on a pretext of looking for their missing dog. If no one answered, the duo kicked in doors and stole jewelry and electronics, police said.

Their luck finally ran out when Aaron accidentally dropped a photo of Ryan, posing with the dog, at a home on Orchard Drive that they had burglarized. The homeowner turned the photo over to the investigating officer, who quickly identified Ryan, according to police.

Of course, the old "Have you seen my dog" routine. The Mills boys are really showing some initiative and ingenuity here, if I don't say so myself. They came up with a whole back story, and even had the picture to go with it. The picture is so key. I'll bet Ryan was all dolled up and the dog was just the most adorable thing you've ever seen.

Here's where they fucked up: Don't carry an actual goddamn picture, BRO. This is the 2010s, we are experiencing unparalleled technological breakthroughs on a daily basis and you're carrying around a fucking Polaroid. That's called a paper trail, and you're better than that. iPhone dude. I'm sure you stole enough of them to snag one for yourself. Just throw the pic on there and boom, one less thing to worry about. You let your guard down for one second in this game and it will bite you clean on the ass like it's your imaginary dog. Time to go back to doing shitty at Nationals, BRO. At least it doesn't hurt your ass as much.

Anstie v. Mayzee Rap Battle - Who's Taking It?

Anstie. No question better than Mayzee. Not a doubt in my mind who would win in a rap battle. We have a ginger kid from England, and he's absolutely slaying this track compared to what you put out, Mayzee. Anstie may lose the beat a couple of times, but he's got that accent to give him a good foundation to run with.

BROto Video - BROtocross Does Stimilon

There you have it. The BROto video. I have to be honest this was the first video I've edited in about five years, and I'm definitely a little rusty. I was pretty much just throwing shots in there like I was LMFAO. I always like to try to be artsy and all that hippie shit. Didn't happen here. General lack of useable footage kind of fucked me.

I had a real mental battle going on about the music. I was so fixed on using a metal song, since Stimilon was all about that. But seriously, heavy metal doesn't fit the BROto tone at all. So I went with a rule of thumb that you can all take to the bank: when in doubt, go with Eazy.

Spectator Gets Absolutely Eaten Alive By Bike.

In all seriousness, I kind of shit my pants a little when I saw that bike coming at me. If anyone has a 3-D TV, please get this video on there and invite me over. That has to be a total mind blower. I would definitely appreciate some audio, because that would completely add to the effect. Great video other than that, though. It really fucks with you on a psychological level. Who hasn't played out a scenario like this in their head while standing on the side of the track? You know it could happen, but you just go ahead with your day, assuring yourself "It is extremely unlikely." But now you see it, you now have a visual of what it would look like, and you can't ignore it. This is the Jaws of moto crash videos. People will remember it. Tell me this isn't exactly like what you just saw in that video?

Quad Lovers Be Warned - You're As Bad As They Are

DS164 sent this video over, saying I had to check it out. What really is there to say? First of all, we already know that I'm not into this game. Second of all, I fucking hate quads. Third of all, let's make the second point the first point. This blog is quickly turning into 100% quad hate, and you know what? I'm ok with that. So when I'm seeing a happy-go-lucky quad video game video (a VGV, if you will), it's really not having a calming effect on me. No, I will not have fun playing this game, and no, I will not give quads a break. If they wanted to be my friend, they wouldn't be drifting corners and getting boners when the track is harder than their boners which they just got from the degree of the track's hardness. And if you want to be their friend, you, sir, are my enemy. Back in the day, they hanged people for pulling stunts like that.

Non-Moto Fight Video To Make Up For Lost Stimilon Footage

So like I said, some of the footage from Stimilon will unfortunately never see the light of day due to potential legal issues, but let me tell you that some of the fight footy will go down in history as straight up epic (think the love child of Fight Club and the curb stomp scene in American History X). But I know what the public wants, and yes, ye shall receive. Here's a legit drunken fight video from this past weekend, complete with gratuitous thong shot from some chick trying to help this poor motherfucker out. The crowd may have been a little less dense than this, and the ratio may have been slightly more skewed towards the sausage persuasion, but if you squint and hum while you watch it, the video is a dead ringer for the Stimilon video.

Wilson and Millsaps #Winning At Freestone

I'm toying with a new feature here. Basically, something that happened at Freestone that if you did it and tweeted about it, you'd Charlie Sheen that shit. Pretty much the BROment of the Week, but Monster owns the rights to that for the Supercross series, as well as the word "Supercross". Oops. We already know that Reedy and Rattray won at Freestone. But this wall jump was some psycho shit. You'd have to be one rugged maniac to play that game. Reed was doing it last year, but I guess he wasn't vibing it in 2011. Then Millsaps comes out of nowhere to say "Oh, I would like 2-3 seconds a lap, please." Dean-O follows suit, and there you have it. That is some #winning. Yeah, they didn't actually win, but what has two thumbs and doesn't give a fuck?

Summing Up Stimilon - "Yeah, It Was A Dick Move On My Part"

Well Stimilon is a wrap and if there was ever an event that BROtocross was supposed to sponsor, this was it. I still want to do a video blog , and I did get a lot of footage. But after discussing this with my legal counsel (mass.gov), I think it is in my and a few others' best interest to not show people the footage of the carnage. I still have a decent amount of film that I can play with, so we'll see what comes up. Once we arrived, the phrase "Read the rules" was being thrown around a lot, which was really putting me off. Here's the thing about motocross riders - they're crazy degenerates. At the end of the day, MX riders go wilder than any other people out there. Think about it, real MX riders get their rocks off doing whips over hundred footers, so it only follows that when they party, shit is getting torched and a few animal sacrifices might just take place. So with an event like Stimilon where you are encouraging the riders to party, you might as well be handing a box of C-4 and Velcro suits to a bunch of terrorists, driving them to the White House, and buying them tour tickets with 72 condoms. As long as you can contain that explosion, it's a victory. I mean, in the schedule they allocate a time when the cops will show up, that's what we're dealing with here.

So how did the event go? The racing was pretty average. The appeal of Stimilon is what happens off the track. There were fights in the mechanics' area, beer showers for days at the concert, and someone even took the water truck for a 2 am joy ride (don't leave the keys in the vehicle, BRO. Rookie mistake). I heard a few bikes were stolen, a lock on one of the buildings was smashed beyond repair, someone desecrated a Brazilian flag, and Eazy himself ran a moto through the pits at three in the morning on a Honda scooter like it was fucking Freestone. Overall, Stimilon was exactly what I was thinking it would be. Basically, if the promoters weren't ending the weekend saying "We're never doing this shit again," the event would have been a failure. As far as I know it, that's what they were saying. So success. If Stimilon does happen next year, we'll be there again, for sure. And as for the people running Southwick: if you guys want to hit up White Castle, your meal is on us.

Just Thought That I Had To Be At Southwick Soon

I usually hate when people quote rap like that to seem like they're hard. But I'm Eazy, I get to do it. Today is the day. BROtocross is cruising up Southwick-way and hitting Stimilon and we're hitting it hard. Bringing in all the guns. I've got a couple of the interns racing, so although you won't be witness to Eazy's prowess on a motorcycle, BROtocross will be represented on the track. And I'm sure you can count on some after-dark pitbike antics, because it just wouldn't be Stimilon without that. So there's a good chance you'll see me getting down with the get down on a 110 if I can find one to steal. DILLIGAF? No. The time has come to throw safety to the wind and flip a giant middle finger in destiny's face. It's Stimilon time. I know I should have posted a heavy metal song, but that's not so much my flavor.

All the Stimilon info is right here, BRO - http://stimilon.com/smc/index.php

Does This Count As False Advertising?

More Motocross Videos

"I usually keep it on two wheels and win." Sorry, BRO, but you don't. And no one gives a fuck about the World Supercross Championship. That's like rehashing that you won the AL East but lost in the playoffs. Race the nationals, BRO. Don't be a little bitch about it.

What Did We Think Of The Real World Moto Show?

Does anyone else get as pissed as I do when celebs get free MX shit? They literally have no idea what they're looking at, but they get it, nonetheless. Don't get me wrong, I totally understand why it happens. One Industries got so much screen time last night that they're competing with Ryan Seacrest for airspace. Now the One brand is implanted in the mind of every mindless fuck who watches MTV. Crafty play, One. I wonder if they knew this was happening or if they just lucked into it with H&H being part of the show. Anyway, I watched that shit and cringed looking at the new gear on those stupid chicks and the gay porn guy and the fruity asshole crack baby. Yup, I watch the show. And let me tell you, I would kill it on that show. These people have no pizzazz. They just fight and fuck, that's about it. I would be just straight firing off material, playing out a whole storyline for the cameras. You'll see, I'm going to make an entry video and get in that shit.

T-Minus One Day Till Stimilon

Yes, BRO is heading out to Stimilon tomorrow for the festivities. This will be our first sponsored event and as you can see we are doing it right. Sure, there won't be shirts, stickers, good vibes, friendly handshakes, or general kindness doled out, but we have a banner. The boys at 139 Designs absolutely tore that shit up, as usual, and now BROtocross exists in physical form. That's all that I need to see before I'm saying "Oh fuck, these guys are hot fire." And that's what I'm thinking will be the consensus of the public at Stimilon; They've got a banner, that's for sure. Seriously, though, the BRO pit will be pretty much a festering pool of awesome behavior, so if you're at Stimilon, make sure to get over there. If you're lucky, someone might even give you a beer shower or something so rad like that. And I will say again, anyone who lets me ride their bike on Sunday is entitled to one free BROto T. That rolls off the tongue like nobody's business. One free BROto T. One free BROto T. Well, Stimilon should be fucking killer all-around so even if you don't want to come by the Eazy Livin' pit, swing by the race. It's going to be a real gas. There's all the info you need right here: Stimilon, BRO!

Trials Guy Going All Trials On Soccer Stadium

I know that DV already blogged this, but as you can tell it's been a very slow day around here and I thought the loyal BRO readers who only go on this site then turn their computer off for the day would enjoy the video. I may be shooting myself in the foot with this comment, but I think it would be so much cooler for trials guys to run a more contemporary look. Some of them do, but I guess these competition guys still rock the 1970s-era open face with the racing leathers. Give me a little bit more of a street style. You need some hip hop in that get up, BRO. I know I hate when outsiders comment on how MX gear looks, so take it for what it's worth. My second comment is actually a question: how hard is it really to ride a trials bike? A piece of me feels like I could just hop on and be riding handrails and doing pop-the-fuck-out-of-the-clutch wallrides no problem. Like, I'm almost sure of it. Until someone proves that I cannot, this is the belief that I am going by.

This VonZipper "Fear and Loathing" Campaign Is Pretty Wild

Well, VonZipper is at it again. After the Jake Weimer one, I kind of knew what I was getting into, but this video is a touch shorter, which means less time to absorb the material. I mean, these new-age MX ads are like the fucking Schindler's List of marketing campaigns; blink, and you missed a huge plot point and you're spending the rest of the flick sucking your thumb in the fetal position wondering how the fuck did that guy know that shit? By the way, as far as I know, this campaign is not called "Fear and Loathing." That's an Eazy original, and if anyone steals it I will summon Hunter S. Thompson from his rum-soaked, acid-ridden grave to haunt the shit out of some motherfuckers. Got it?

Oh, You Can't Crip Walk Mid-Wheelie?

What the motherfuck is in the water in Baltimore? That city is legitimately producing some of the most talented riders I have ever seen. We all know that I have thrown my full support behind Raise It Up, but these Wildout Wheelie Boyz are absolutely unbelievable. When you can throw a C-walk on the seat of the bike in the middle of a wheelie in traffic, you are just the shit. That's all there is to it. You are more of a man than the guy next to you, and twice as much as the guy next to him. By the way I did do the research and these guys are also from Baltimore, if you haven't already picked up on that. I'm pretty sure they are an extension of Raise It Up, not unlike the Rollin' 60s and the Ten Line Gangsters. Take it for what it's worth, but these guys are some of the best riders I've ever seen. And they upgraded the equipment, too. I counted at least five showroom condition bikes in there. But you know what? If you can pitch the bike up to 13-o'clock and sip some gin and juice and downshift while your doing it, you are entitled to whatever bike you want. That's a rule.

P.S. - I swear on my life if I am down in Baltimore with a bike I am finding these guys and doing a ride sesh with them. I don't care if I have to wear a bulletproof vest or whatever, it's happening.

So Should We Breakdown Alessi's Frontflip?

You might call this kicking a man when he's down, but honestly, I don't think it is. Look, we all know I don't like Alessi, but let's try to see this crash from an analytical standpoint. I watched this video over and over. I busted out the test tubes, I made graphs, got everything laminated, real official. And you know what? I completely think that he could have been able to save that without the botched front flip attempt. What the fuck is this kid thinking? Look at the bike as he lands; that was saveable. I'm not saying it's a guarantee, just that it could have been done. Mike, you don't throw your shit into front flip mode unless you literally can look straight up and only see the ground. There's no saving that. That was just this side of retarded.

Amber Alert: J-Law Search 2011 Begins - You Guys Take New Jersey

Just peeped this pic and caption at Transworld in this week's Kickstart

Jason Lawrence was so under the radar in Hangtown, that no one even saw him. The often-troubled rider was slated to race for the ARMA Energy/Suzuki City squad alongside Malcolm Stewart, but there was no sign of him this weekend. According to Lawrence's agent Scott Sepkovic, no one has been able to track J-Law down for the past three weeks.

I, for one, am terribly alarmed here. You're telling me that Jason Lawrence is literally missing and you think I'm not forming a search party? I am doing just that. I know I've got some New Jersey readers seeing this, so you guys are starting. Make your way from Englishtown to the Shore, and I don't want to hear anything about not finding a trace of him, goddamnit. Something will turn up. But don't think that the rest of you are off the hook. We are going national with this. Fuck it, I know a few Euros and Aussies are reading this, too, so let's make that international. I am officially announcing an international search party to find the whereabouts of one Jason Lawrence.  Tracks, bars, titty clubs, and other general institutions of awesomeness are to be on high alert.

Now, here at BROtocross, we are very technologically savvy. We have rendered a photo of J-Law from a time when he was last seen to what he may look like now. Be on the lookout, I want to see this picture on milk cartons and bulletin boards.

BROtocross Is Officially In For Stimilon

Well, credit on this one might go to you, the readers, because about five minutes after posting the Stimilon blog, I had a message from Mr. Stimilon himself asking me to get in touch. We hammered out some details, crossed the T's and dotted the lower case J's, and now BROtocross is officially sponsoring our first event - the Stimilon Motocross Challenge at Southwick this weekend. Banners will be rad and beers will be had at the BROtocross pit, know that. So if you are at this event, definitely come by and check us out. I'm still thinking that I want to do some video blogs for this one, it definitely seems like the right time to unveil that technology. And anyone who lets me ride their bike for the day on Sunday will be getting a free "Believe The Type" t-shirt, that's a promise.

By the way, Stimilon is "no limits" spelled backwards. That's where the name comes from. And now you know.

God Was Down With Hangtown

Jesus has spoken, and he is satisfied with that performance, Hangtown. We are still here, so the big man upstairs has clearly decided that the entertainment provided by Hangtown was good enough to hold him over for another thousand years or so; that's like one day in God time. That mofo has been around for eternity. A thousand years is barely enough time to play 18 holes for that guy. Nonetheless, Baggett's psycho charge at the end of each moto and Reed being all "Hey if I'm not really winning indoors, I'll just win outdoors" was what God was looking for.

All in all, I'd say the race was pretty good. Not great, but pretty good. I've pretty much always felt that 30+2 is too long of a moto from an entertainment standpoint. If you want good battles, a 35-40 minute moto is not going to produce throughout. Sure, when it does, it's epic. But it almost never does. Unfortunately, you can't just go shortening motos like that because it would have some serious fucking ramifications on the sport. I'm talking a butterfly effect times ten. Say it's 20+2. Now almost every guy out there can go all out for the whole moto. Soon you have heroes who previously had no shot. The racing is good, but the sport would essentially implode on itself because you have Joey Bag o' Doughnuts getting factory contracts because all of a sudden he's throwing down for the whole moto. Factory budgets begin to get spread out over several guys, which hurts the already factory BROs, and more people start doing SX-only, which we all know is for fairy boys (That's "fairy", not "ferry". What up, Timmy?). Are we stuck between a rock and a hard place or what?

By the way, the guy who made the Judgement Day website has posted that the rapture actually did happen and all the good Christians were brought up into heaven. So, like, not including you, huh BRO? Did you not make the cut? Whatever, set your calendars and mark your watches for the next one, I guess.

Judgement Day Is Tomorrow, But Jesus Is An MX Guy, Right?

Apparently, Jesus decided that Judgement Day will occur on the same day as Hangtown. I think we can safely say that Jesus is a motocross fan. You don't just go randomly scheduling these things. The Rapture is a big fucking deal. Like there's paperwork that has to be filled out, permits granted, it's a whole thing. So if you are going to do it, you're going to do it on a day that has some sort of meaning, so people can look back on it and say "Whoa, that God character was one deep sumbitch." Here's how I see it - if Hangtown isn't fucking epic, the world is screwed five ways to the weekend. If those whacky Christian mofos are right, God/Jesus is one hell of a vengeful character. Essentially, he just wants what we all want: some good battles, exciting finishes, and maybe a boobie flash here or there, I don't know for sure, I'm not the pope (yet).

But, that's not to say that if Hangtown isn't a killer race that we are all fucked. Sure, the normal people will be, but let's not forget now that Jesus is a moto guy. Obviously, he's going to want some people up next to him at the big cloud table to talk racing with. That's where we come in. You see, Christians identify Judgement Day as the day when God decides who is worthy of Heaven and who isn't. Now, this is all going along a theory believed by the most annoying religious nuts this side of the Solar System. Jesus doesn't need all those people on his shit for eternity, that would just be awful. Constantly berating him with questions, trying to get autographs, those prude chicks always trying to get in his business, basically the worst way to spend your days. So the logic follows that Jesus would want some people who don't piss him off with their relentless adoration, and since he's a moto fan, we are in like Flint. So while the rest of you are burning and spending time getting sodomized by pineapples with Hitler and that crew, we'll be sipping endless champagne by the pool with Santa and playing 18 holes with Steve McQueen.

Wait, Stimilon Is Only A Week Away?

So Stimilon 2011 is coming up real quick. I really missed the boat on this one. I thought this event was in late July or some shit. Honestly, I'm so psyched that this event is in my neck of the woods. I really wanted to get some sponsorship behind Stimilon, like a BROtocross Holeshot/Shotgun competition or anything like that. Wow, I just came up with that off the top of my head but I like it now. A race where you have to shotgun a beer during the start. If anyone steals that idea, I will be cracking skulls. I tried getting in touch with these dudes, albeit not very hard (I sent them one message on Twitter, that was about it), but still the fuckers refuse to acknowledge my existence. If anyone with any sway over at Stimilon reads this, know that BROtocross wants to get some brand presence going at your event. I'm calling for the help of the loyal readers to send them messages or whatever the fuck you want to do demanding that BROtocross be featured as a title sponsor. Ok, I'll settle for pretty much anything, not to mention I'm broke as fuck right and wouldn't be able to sponsor the event, anyway. Regardless, this event screams "BROtocross, bro." Beers, bikes, broads, and beers. I love it.

As much as I really want to be racing the event, that unfortunately isn't going to happen unless an operational motorcycle lands in my garage in the next couple of days. No worries, a few of the BROto Interns are racing, and I fully plan on stealing their bikes and sneaking on track for the ride day on Sunday. BROtocross will absolutely be attending even if we don't get any official love from the promoters. I think I'm going to do some video blog work for this one. BROtocross is definitely ramping up for some big changes, and if there's one thing I've learned from the readers, it's that they don't like to read. Like, I'll be surprised if half the people who read this post actually get to this sentence. So we'll be rocking some serious video action. Big plans, kids, big plans.

It's A Shitty Day In New England. Some Quad Injuries Will Brighten It Up.

I debated not even posting this. I was all "Maybe you can have too much quad hate." Then I came to my senses, and proceeded to punish myself with one of those bladed whips like those whacky Indian tribesmen when they're doing the manhood ritual. You know, rather than teaching junior how to drive a standard or something that doesn't physically scar him for life. But I digress. It's a slow day on the motonet, so it's a good time to throw on some popcorn and watch quad riders hurt themselves. At the end of the day, that's all we really want, right? Also, I'm into Wozney and all the MXPTV stuff. I mean, it's not DS164, but I like it. He's a Northeast guy, so I have to support the cause.

Reed and Windham Are Officially In For Outdoors

Well we may have lost Stewart, but we gain Reed and Windham? Sounds like one step back but two steps forward to me. I mean as long as everyone can steer clear of any super viruses this should be a solid development for the outdoors. All Chad has to do is sack up and start punting motherfuckers at the start of the motos and he is a definite front runner. No room for bitch riding in the outdoors, BRO. I like Chad but sometimes he starts the motos like he should be lining up for the WMA exhibitions, I mean races. And Windham, well, he can just do whatever the fuck he wants and I'll be perfectly fine with it. You do your thing, sir, and God bless you for doing it. He's a saint. But seriously though, Windham is still fast and typically gets good starts to I'm totally Dungey-status on this news.

What's up with Reed, though? I thought I was dead-on-balls accurate saying he was going Factory Honda, now it looks like he's staying TwoTwo with a lot more support from Honda. If there's one thing I hate, BRO, it's being made a fool of. Check yourself, Chad.

Who Is Down For Rugged Maniac At Southwick?

So I was just made aware of this Rugged Maniac shit, and that is just a travesty that it's taken this long. Here's what you have probably figured out about me: I'm the Alpha, baby. My tombstone will read "Dominant Male" if I decide to die someday. So something like this should be right up my alley. And it's at Southwick, so I know all the hot lines. Everyone knows the locals kill it at Southwick, and this race ought to be no different. Of course, this is all said neglecting the fact that running around a motocross track might be the most unpleasant experience you could ever, um, experience. I will say that if I do decide to do this, I will be one of those guys who sees these dumb sluts jumping around in the mud puddles and pushing them out of the way with such force that they eat shit on the rocks, all the while yelling "Rugged Maniac!" at the top of my lungs. I kind of want to experience that form of joy in my life.

Oh, and I think I finally figured out what I want my future tattoo to say. Rugged Maniac. All there is to know about Eazy.

How Do We Feel About This GoPro SX Highlights Vid?

You guys like that? I'm involving you all in this one. #BROtocrossCares

So GoPro released this video this week. Usually, I'm not a fan of the "Epic Battle Scene" style of motocross video, but I'm not really sure where I am sitting on this one. There are some killer shots here. I would like to see more of the Windham transfers, because those are just great. You can never have too many Windham transfer GoPro shots, that's a rule. Do GoPros look better with that fisheye shit they always use? They say everything looks better with a fisheye lens. Definitely a little much with the time lapses, though. I criticized slow mo before, now I'm saying it with sped up film - You definitely don't want to over do it with the speed alterations. They will fuck your shit up.

I. Fucking. Hate. Quads.

If you're getting sick of me making fun of quads, just leave. It's never going to stop. Not until the last quad has breathed its last forsaken breath. Moving on...

Goddamnit quads. Now I'm starting to get pissed. This is getting real. I feel like the battle to end all battles between bikes and quads is ramping up. It's all because you guys try to transcend the boundaries into our world. We don't want you in our world. Now you're trying to involve our people in your gay little videos. I wish Barcia could do more than get this video kicked off the internet. Fucking sue these guys to the wall. I will act as legal concigliere if it means we can lock these destitute scumbags up and throw away the key. This is an act of terrorism. I'm scared that I'm going to kill myself everytime that kid hits a jump on his shitty RC car-style track. Terrorism. This is why we need quadcentration camps. Put all of those little quad riders in their own enclosed little area where they can thumb each other and do radical skids all day long. I mean, I am not a fan of Hitler or the Third Reich or anything, and his logic about races and creeds was dead wrong. But the reasoning behind the camps, that might not have been the worst of all time. Just saying...

Oh this should go without saying but I will anyway for any special members of our audience - That is not Barcia. Ok, done.

BROpocalypse Update: Stewart Out For Hangtown

From JS7.com - Everyone witnessed the way I struggled during the Supercross series this year and while I’d like to race this weekend, we just aren’t ready. I hope fans will understand.  The decision has been very hard to make, but we won’t race till we’re ready.


So I was 100% ready to start popping bottles and doing models when I saw this, because I of course assumed the decision came after James read the earlier post and thus it was a victory for me that Bubbsy takes my writing to heart that much. But alas, my jubilation will have to wait as this was posted yesterday. Quite the coincidence, though. I'm talking on how James needs to win to save the world and everything about the same time that he decides not to race. Is it too early to consider me the Nostradamus of motocross, BROstradamus?

Is James Stewart Losing Evidence Of The 2012 Apocalypse?

So a bunch of BROtards and I were having a pretty good discussion yesterday, and it got to the point where I decided that it was something worth blogging. Let me paint you a picture: There we were, sitting and watching a re-run of Bubba's World. It didn't take long for the comments on how fake the show really is and how lame they are on camera started coming on like a Catholic priest to an alter boy. But we shut up when the riding footage hit the screen. It's just fun to watch Stewart ride. He is without question the most talented rider in the world. Amongst all his weird behavior (which has gotten exponentially crazier in the past year), he is the best rider out there. I don't really even like the guy, but I want him to win so I can feel like the universe has some form of stability. Like, sure other riders have been winning, and that's that, right? Well, I don't like it. They aren't better than Stewart, that's all there is to it. Yeah, I know the results say they are, but that's my point. The results are wrong. Fate is wrong. We are fucked. Seriously, it would just make me feel a little bit more comfortable with my personal state in this hectic environment we live in today if James would win all the time like he did in the 125 days. It's like the planets are out of alignment or Mercury is in retrograde or some other weird universal shit is happening. Stewart is the fastest, and he needs to be winning. He's not, so the world really is broken. One more fall and I will be legitimately worried about the space-time continuum being torn a new asshole. Win James, for the sake of John Cusack and everyone else who was in that shitty movie.

Is Anyone Surprised That MX vs. ATV Alive Is Terrible?

Oh yeah, hot trick, BRO.

Well the general consensus from pretty much everyone on Alive is... It sucks. You know, dick. I can't help but laugh and laugh and laugh. That game looked like shit from the get-go. Serves you dumbasses right. I mean, I thought Reflex was pretty bad, and this game always looked way worse. The boys at Vurb did a game review, and just read it for yourself. What did they like? All the shit that carried over from Reflex, plus some hella insignificant shit. What didn't they like? Everything important. Handling, camera, preload, physics. Way to spin it positively, BROs, but you essentially just shit on the game in the nicest way possible.

Everyone was so excited for Alive and I couldn't figure it out at all. It really looked awful all along. I watched game play videos, I watched trailers, and the whole time I'm thinking "Does any video game developer out there actually ride?" Of course the answer is no, because those guys are all nerds. The fucking hand gestures are a dead give-away. If you're trying to give me a realistic, state-of-the-art moto game, don't have my guy throwing obscure gang signs to riders as they pass him. No one would think that's cool. Not a 12 year old, not a 21 year old, and anyone over 30 is categorically dead when it comes to video games anyway. Seriously, though, how many times did you guys have to edit the game because the word "motorcross" showed up? NERDS!

Looks Like Reed's Running Factory Honda For Outdoors

So I was doing the rounds of the motoweb last night and grabbed this screen shot from T-Dub's Milestone vid



You might be saying "Hey Eazy, Reed was riding a factory Honda for the last few supercrosses. Get your head in the game, BRO." Incorrect. As usual, I am miles ahead of the rest of you. Reed was rocking a TwoTwo bike in Supercross, as in, Pro Circuited out. Yeah, he was running some factory shit, but it was still his team's bike. Take a look at that pic then start writing your apology letters. No BRO Circuit to be found. Yep, my incredibly keen ability of perception caught that one right away. That is a factory Honda, bitches. No room for TwoTwo anywhere on those shrouds. Looks like Reedy might be running the outdoors for the only team in the biz that's ever run a dick on their graphics. I mean a pecker. Sorry, a woody. Wait, what?

Best Hillclimb [Failure] Of The Decade

Motoneige 0 - Montagne 1

Once again, a non-moto post. But I think any fellow rip-roarin', hillclimbin' motor enthusiast can appreciate what's going on here, and the rest of us can easily laugh at it. This is what happens when you let your guard down, BRO. Thought he had it for days, probably started stuntin' and that mountain is just like "Not up in here!" I don't know if there's ever been a more epic helmet cam shot than the one right after the guy stops falling and looks up at the hill. The anticipation was absolutely killer. Fucking pins and needles to the nines. I was waiting for that thing to come charging down out of nowhere and put that guy in an ice coma for 500 years or something. Like, legitimately excited for it. Obviously, it wasn't nearly what I had it built up to be in my head, but that's the magic of film - it can create something out of nothing.



Here's what I want to know - why start chasing after it? Just let the thing go, and go down at a nice, relaxing pace. What are you going to do if you catch up to the sled?

So It Really Is The Hardest Part About Being A Quad Rider

I didn't even watch more than :15 seconds of this video. Seriously, Chuck Norris could emerge flying a dragon with some Metallica blasting in the background and this would still be one of the gayer videos I've ever seen. Just BROmosexuality up the ass and on a quad to boot. The music, the sand in the background, the Titanic style wing gestures, and the quad is still the gayest thing in this video. You guys just don't stop with this shit. Like, it really is the hardest part about being a quad rider, isn't it?

I Am So Going To The Mexican GP

SAN BERNARDINO (CA, USA), 15 May 2011 – During the Monster Energy GP of USA at Glen Helen Raceway, Youthstream and the FIM announced the celebration of the Grand Prix of Mexico for the upcoming 2012 FIM Motocross World Championship season. Former rider Mr. Sebastien Tortelli and Mr. Nicolás España Serrano will be the promoters of the third overseas GP of next season.

FIM vice-president Mr. Jorge Viegas opened the press conference by welcoming everybody to the Monster Energy Grand Prix of the USA and wishing everybody an excellent weekend at Glen Helen Raceway.

Mr. Giuseppe Luongo, Youthstream’s President, announced the agreement they reached to organize a GP in Mexico in 2012. ‘We believe it is a very good step for the FIM Motocross World Championship to have a GP in Mexico, as it is a growing market and fits perfectly well in our calendar. There will be three Grand Prix’s based in the American continent and it would be possible either to go from USA to Mexico and then Brazil or vice versa,’ Mr. Giusppe Luongo explained. Full Release Here

Well pack the bags and make sure the coke is under the false bottom because the GP series is heading to Mexico in 2012. The Mayans really nailed it with their predictions.We got floods, we got earthquakes, we got tsunamis, now we got Mexican GP races. Tell you what, somebody flies me down there, I'll go. With bells on my AK-47. My only question is how do you bullet-proof a motorcycle? You'd probably need some sort of cage mechanism or something. Like, bullet-proofing the actual bike would be no prob, but I'm a little bit more concerned about myself. Don't get me wrong, no one would be more pissed if a bullet pierced through my goddamn gas tank. But it would put a huge damper on the moto to take some shrapnel through the shoulder. Seriously though, making it through the Mexican and Brazilian GPs would be a real badge of honor for me, so the guys that come out are going to come out proud.

Wait, There Was A Race This Weekend?

You see, like any good American, I was wholeheartedly unaware that an unAmerican series was racing this weekend, albeit on native soil. The Euros decided to put on some sort of exhibition act between our outdoor testing for Hangtown.

Seriously though, Glen Helen had the USGP this weekend, and I think a solid three or four US riders did it. Some random fucking casino or hotel or rehab center or something decided to put up $100,000 for any US rider to win the MX1 (Euro for 450) class. Solid idea, right? Totally, BRO, except the only guys who have a really solid shot of winning that class would be giving up a lot more than $100k should anything happen in that moto. Of course, not riding because you're afraid of getting hurt is for little fairy boys. So I'm at kind of a tough crossroads here. Making fun of people promoting the USGP versus making fun of the American riders. I know the Americans have to pay out of pocket to race the GP, but cry me a fucking river, dude. Fact is that racing the week before the opening race and getting beat would kill the shit out of your odds in the books, and no one needs that. So no top rider would risk it. Tough hit.

I lied before, I knew there was a race. I even watched MX2. Live. Didn't pay. Suck it, MX-Life. $5 for a race is not a good deal. If I actually thought some of that was being passed down to the riders, I might think about it. But honestly, I'd have to actually see the cash going into their hands to believe that FIM was really being charitable. Same reason I don't donate a dollar to children in Indonesia when I go to Burger King. I'm not paying for the hotel for the relief trip, assholes. So stop being cheap fucks and broadcast the races for free. Here's a summary of what I saw because no one really cares about GPs anyway once it's American Outdoors time:

- Roczen absolutely shut everyone down (including me when he simply replied "nope" to the Can I Officially Name Ken Roczen The Justin Bieber Of Motocross post)

-Herlings also shut down everyone other than Roczen. Their collective ages are less than Kevin Windham's, I'm pretty sure.

-It's weird how Osborne is only good when he rides GPs. Not even saying GP riders are slow, he beats good guys. Guess some people just need the techno at the starting gate and the zero purse money to compete.

FMF No Longer Running Logos On Factory Kawi Because They Are Making An Energy Drink?

That's right, according to the "sources", FMF is getting into the energy drink biz. If you noticed the factory Kawis at Vegas, they were running no logos on the exhausts. FMF don't need to be running with the enemy, ya heard? Makes sense to me. I'm honestly not even surprised. Emler (FMF founder) was one of the main investors in No Fear, and they played that energy drink card for a little while. Now the little guy is running the brand and taking that shit all over the map. Red Bull gives you wings, only follows that the Flying Machine Factory would be stepping into that game. I mean the splash from Red Bull's marketing alone will probably net them a cool mill, mill-5, give or take. I heard on Pulp that it costs around 8 cents to make an energy drink. At $2.00 per can, that's a margin of $1.98 or 2,475%. Dollar, dollar bills, y'all. Making it rain like we're in fucking Seattle. Sign me up. The BRO energy drink is officially in the planning process...

BROto Salute To Ralph Sheheen

Another Supercross season has come and gone, and thus we are forced to go another several months before hearing the sweet melodious sounds of big baby Ralph Sheheen. To say that Ralph is a great man is to do a disservice to his effervescent style of commentating; truly, he is a man of Herculean voice and stature and virility. In a capitalist world of marketing and advertising, Ralph is the voice of God. Without him, the masses would be forced to live in ignorance of the Rock Hard, Ride Hard award, the Nuclear Cowboyz, the Toyota everything, and the humorously sized Monster logos throughout the stadium, only squeezing their bits of enjoyment out of the actual race. How would we know what James Stewart said before, during, and after the main event without Ralph? We wouldn't, that's how. He will challenge the status quo with his brass pronunciation of the word "nuclear". "Fuck the rules," exclaims this BAMF of the press box, "it's pronounced nucular." We dare not question him, because goddamn if he didn't make it sound so harmoniously pleasing that I must question all that it is that I know about basic reading and articulation. Ralph will walk that line, as any hard-hitting man of the microphone should.

When the time comes to plug the sponsors, it is Ralph in his divine ability to spin a sentence in a certain direction who is at the helm; "Well, Dungey is looking like he's going to do that jump, you know who also does jumps? Bret Michaels when he plays rock and roll music. Speaking of Bret, Rock Hard Ride Hard award." Brilliance, sheer unadulterated brilliance. With the voice of an angel and the hair of a white tiger in GQ, Ralph Sheheen speaks to the people as Zeus did from Olympus, beckoning our humble praise and worship, like a fucking boss. Ralph comes from a line of men who have proved that knowing anything, and I mean ANYTHING, about motocross is purely inessential to analyzing and calling it to the world. Should he mess up a rider's name, that rider will have to consider changing it, because the will of Ralph says so. He's not in the top 5, so why should he have the privilege of having his name on the air? He will be given one, and goddamnit he will embrace it. So a salute to you, Ralph, because if everyone actually knew what they were talking about, we'd be bored as fuck.

"No Contest" Of The Century - Windham Wins Fan's Choice Award

This is Windham's acceptance speech from the AMA awards for Fan's Choice, and his transfer at LV for your viewing pleasure. I am so on this guy's bandwagon it's ridiculous. From the opening ceremony transfers to the style to the laid back attitude, the man just gets it. Seriously, if you don't like Windham then please remember to wear an American flag to your next Al-Qaeda meeting, BRO.

I'm going to take a stroll down memory lane right now, and you all get to follow me. At the Southwick national in 2003, I was 15 and decided to put on my journalist hat and try to interview some riders on camera, really just for shits and gigs. I can't even tell you how fucking nerve-wracking it is to be an awkward 15 year old (yes, I wasn't quite such a baller) trying to talk to pro riders and not seem like one of the cookie cutter Stepfords that they speak to every day (even back then, I knew most of the people who conduct interviews totally sucked). Well, as can be expected, most of the riders didn't take me seriously at all. One even had the balls to say yes, then sneak off to his camper, never to return. Guess right and I'll give you a prize, and the answer is not Alessi. Back to the story. Through the whole day, only three guys actually spoke to me, and the last one was K-Dub. And you know what? As nervous as I was, Windham's general demeanor made it easy. The dude just radiates a contagious strain of cool behavior. Fan For Life. FFL, BRO.

So James' Song In Opening Ceremonies Was "Wild Thing", Right?

I didn't really address this yet, although I did post a pic of it already, but I can't get it out of my head that James is trying to pull a "Wild Thing" on all of our asses. I was fully expecting him to light the shit up in the race once I saw those glasses. But he didn't. One thing I can say with near certainty is that Stewart probably was not wearing his glasses when he was out there. BRO, got to wear your prescription eye-glasses. Rookie mistake. You almost had it. But not quite. Turned out more like this part, conveniently from the same movie involving the same character. "Juuuust a bit outside".

Chris Blose Proves That Black Bikes Are Slower

Just stating the facts here people: H&H have pretty much sucked up to this point. They have also run mainly black bikes up to this point. They switch Blose to green, bam, top 5. Coincidence? No way, BRO. You look factory, you feel factory, you ride factory. All there is to it. Black bikes aren't factory. I don't give a fuck who you are or aren't sponsored by, who cares if you run the same colorway as the factory? And don't give me all the branding bullshit, that bike gives me the same Hart and Huntington thought as the other one did, which is not much. Seems to me that the right guys in that squad got the right information from a certain blogging mogul of the moto industry. Of course, the boots look like they were hastily spray painted before the race started, but that's neither here nor there.

Now if someone over at Suzuki City will get the message, Malcolm will start getting podiums like they're going out of style.